Nick and Gabby Visit

The niece and nephew visited from San Antonio. I got lots of attention so it was a good visit.

What to do for Christmas?

I think Christmas is coming. Daddy and Pappy got all dressed up last night for some big party. They had a bizarre conversation that went something like this:

Pappy: "What time are we going?"

Daddy: "I don't know, but I don't want to be too early or too late"

Pappy: "So what time are we going?"

Daddy: "I don't know, but floss your teeth as da mayer is going to be there."

I don't know who da mayer is but he must be an important dentist. Anyway they seemed to have a good time.

Cold Weather is Here

Boy it was cold this morning so Daddy got out my sweater. He says I look like a Scotch Tube. It's really not that warm, but I think he likes me wearing it.

Christmas time is here

Last night we got out the Christmas decorations. We hung some old ratty socks on the mantle and I don't know why. If they want me to chew them up (which I know they like), they should put the damn things on the floor. I got to wear my special collar last night which I like. I just hope they don't bring out those stupid "reindeer antlers" again.

Last year I was paraded around the complex while they called me "Max" and then kept asking "who." I replied "who what?" They said "WhoVille," which makes no sense at all. I know "WhoVer" is that noisy machine that sucks up dirt. Hate that thing!

Working It!

Daddy took me to his work today. They print stuff. It smells kinda funny, but the people are nice and Daddy brought in my water dish and my stinky towel, so I'm happy. I'm sitting on his lap and he's bitchin' how hard it is to type. Anyway I like working, maybe I'll get my own job?

Daddy is a Panda. Whatever that is

Daddy came back from China. It's good to have him home, although he says his "body clock" is off. I don't mind since he often gets up at 2AM and we can play ball. He came back wearing some dumb panda hat. I can't wait to chew on it when he's not looking as I've never tasted Panda before.

Daddy is flying away

I knew something was up a few days ago when I saw Daddy's suitcase. It smells funny like it's been all over the world. Anyway when I saw him packing last night, I got real upset. He said he's going to China, which is dumb since everyone knows it's a plate and not a place. Anyway he says he's coming back soon, so I'll just lay around on Pappy until he gets back.

PetSmart Rules!

Last night, we got to go to PetSmart on Shepherd & W. Alabama. Everyone who works there can't get enough of me. Whenever I feel blue I like to go there and get attention, like that Sally Field character in Soap Dish. The best are the baby hamsters in their cages. They look like baby squirrels. I hope I get one for Christmas. YUM!

Dachshund Gets Eaten by an Alligator

Where I first heard this, I was terrified. Daddy showed me the video on You Tube and I'm now OK with it, but the title still scares me!

A Time for Pants

Daddy started a new job last week. He seems to really like it, although he was bitching about "having to wear goddam pants all week." When he wasn't working, he wore these cargo shorts everywhere. Personally I was getting tired of them but he liked all the pockets where he could hide cigarettes and business cards. I don't understand why humans even wear pants. I don't wear them and get along just fine, but I'm just a dog.

A New Toy

Daddy went to New England (new and improved?) this weekend. He was talking funny (again) and trying to sound all East Coast, babbling on about having "Lobsta in mahy chowda." Whatever. He did buy me the newest toy called "Ball." He drops it from up high (at my height, anything about 12" is considered high), and when it hits the floor - get this - it bounces up again! I just know there's a mouse inside so I enjoy tearing it up. Best of all, there are THREE of them in one little tube. Pappy says something about Dennis Balls. I don't know what Dennis did wrong to lose his balls, but thank you!

Off to School

I get to go to school with Pappy today. The maid is coming to the house and I think it irks here when I follow her around and manage her. I just love the smell of Pledge! Anyway I like to going to school and getting attention from the all the students. I learn a lot, too. Usually I forget everything though when I see a squirrel.

image source: (C) weinertales.com

New Orleans

Daddy went to New Orleans this weekend. He called several times and left messages, but they were hard to understand. They were mostly "WOOO!" and something about "Lassie, les bons bons boutay." I think that's French for "Lassie is a candy butt." Pappy said it was "Lassiez les bon temps roulez," but I still don't get it. Daddy was really tired when he got home, he smelled funny and had toilet paper on his shoe. I didn't tell him.

Going to the Dog Spa!

Good news, I'm off to the dog spa at the vet. I get a bath and perfumed and my anal glands expressed. Can I say anal on this blog? Too bad just did! It helps me stay clean and keeps the car seats nice and clean and well. Daddy has yet another job idea: opening up a dog art studio. He wants to sell artwork of dogs, scarves and candles and call it "Anal Expressions." I think he's nuts when he tells me this, so I just wag my tail and look stupid.

Old Sparky

So the other day Daddy puts together this contraption. At first I thought it was an electric chair. I know he's been looking for a job but he doesn't seem all that down and I thought the worst -- but then I heard it was an Inversion Table. I swear they said Immersion Fable, which is what Finding Nemo is all about. I digress.

Daddy gets into for about 10 minutes and then - get this - flips upside down. He says it helps his bad back. I think he does it just so all the blood flows to his head and he gets a cheap thrill. Whatever.

As I see it

Dogs have crappy eyesight, or so I'm told. I know I can sniff a piece of bacon a mile away, but if you drop it in front of me, I might walk on it. Recently I figured out that my eyes are better than I thought. You see the problem is that I have to look out the front door through this piece of cut class. Daddy ordered it trying to be high-falutin' and all Frenchy and that still got his butt laid off. Anyway when I look through this door, I see two (or more) of everything. So you see, it's not just me! Now I need to go look for my tail, I can't see it.

Daddy was Euthanized

My Daddy got "let go" from his job yesterday. Actually it was a RIF: Reduction In Force. It's like at the pound where they don't gas you any more, you are euthanized. I don't know why everyone talks about youth in asia so so much. I guess maybe since maybe these teens are online all the time? Anyway Daddy seems to be in really good spirits, I don't think he liked those people. They were always sons of beaches, but I don't think anyone there swam a lot. I'm confused but I support him.

Give Me Some Credit, Please

I know I'm only four inches off the ground, but some days Daddy and Pappy don't give me enough credit. For example, when they put in the laminate floors, I couldn't jump up into the big bed. The problem was I couldn't get enough traction to break free of the earth's gravity. Sorta like a movie where plane going down the runway and the pilot yells "Oh Shit!" So they went to PetsMart (yeah!) and bought these foofy stairs. They look nice, but they're kinda hard to use. When they're home, I use them all the time. The second they leave, I still jump up in the bed. Sometimes I let loose a big fart on the comforter just out of spite. But I still appreciate their thoughtfulness, but just give me some credit.

Are You Smarter Than a Two-Year Old

Apparently I am! My Daddy read to me about this new study that showed just how smart dogs really are. I could have told you that. People think I just sleep all day, but I spend my time thinking about quantum physics, the implications of William the Conqueror capturing England in 1066 and what the f*ck is up with Brittany Spears these days.

I'm Just Whupped

No, nobody beat me, that was my old life. Just like Whitney Houston, I need to get off the bathroom floor, put in my false teeth and sing something. Just having a hard time getting up today.

Brush Down

Sometimes I like to run around nekkid in the backyard. Well OK, I guess since I don't usually wear clothes (just fur) I am technically nude all the time , but cut me some slack (pervert). Yesterday I got to take off my harness and leash and get groomed. Yeah!

Other Toy

My other favorite toy is Peng'in. You might call it a penguin, but it's hard to tell from the photo. I'm trying to eat off the feet and wings, and my long term goals include decapitating it and eating the stuffing. Hey everyone has dreams!

Kill It

One of my favorite toys is It. It has two squeaky things in it and one of my goals this summer is to tear It apart and eat them. I'll let you know when I'm successful.

Over it!

It's only the end of July, but I'm over summer. You think you're hot? Imagine being four inches off the ground and running after squirrels. And you're wearing a fur coat. I think I'm going to just lay around today.

What not to wear

So today dad takes me recycling. I don't do much but sit in the car, but I love to see what people wear. Now, I don't wear clothes, but if I did, I would dress a bit better than some of these slobs. I know you are just recycling, but must you wear spandex? And what is up with the sports bras as a top? I know it's hot (try having a fur coat on all the time), but people you really need to think about what not to wear.

A Message to Lizards

You know, I've notice a LOT of lizards running around lately. I've seen the little green Geiko ones, black ones, gray ones, etc. There are so many lizards around, it's almost creepy. With so many of you guys around, here are a few tips:

1) IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD. I'm sorry, anything that moves I want to eat.

2) If I have eaten one of your relatives, I apologize but this IS what I do for a living.

3) Contrary to popular belief, lizards do NOT taste like chicken. It's more like a combination of moth balls and beef jerkey. I guess.

4) If I see you, don't run. Just lie there like a leaf, lie back and think about England. Do they have lizards there?

DogSpeak

You know, it's not easy doing a blog when you are a dog. You think you have problems typing? Please. Try doing control-alt-delete when two paws and a tongue. Luckily my Daddy will transcribe for me. Also he has a slightly bigger vocabulary. My sentences tend to be more of the one-to-two word kind: "gotta pee," "breakfast," and my favorite: "kill it." When people blather on endlessly, I just stare at them. I often wonder if they have any food or do they know where can I find that one squirrel (where?) with the ratty tail. When Daddy and Pappy aren't around, I do check my email so drop me a line.

Welcome!

This is my first post, so please be gentle and if not - get bent. I'm ten years old (at least seventy of your years, fartbiter, so get over it.) Being a neurotic dog, I have a special ability to see things they were they are, especially 8" from the ground. Hopefully you will enjoy my rants and raves, and if not I really don't care. But I mean it with love!